I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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