this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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