i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
