Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize