ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
