This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
