Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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