we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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