I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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