and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
