What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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