shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
