i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
