I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
