Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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