The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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