Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
