Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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