I wanna passion pit in your ass
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
