FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
