I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
