And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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