hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
