just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
