Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
