I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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