My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
