Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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