i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
