I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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