someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
