and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
