so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
