I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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