im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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