My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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