i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
