her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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