If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
