I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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