I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
