I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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