Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
