Pants 0. Shit 1.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
