quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
