I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
