Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
