non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
