i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think your dad took our porno
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
