You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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