its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
