Kiss
Puke
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
