I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
