I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
