My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
