Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
