Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
