I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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