if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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